A toxic relationship is any relationship that is harmful to one or both of the people involved. It can also be dangerous to the people around them, whether emotionally or physically.

Signs that a person is in a toxic relationship can be hard to notice. One of these signs is excessive jealousy. “He would always get mad when I hung out with some of my male friends,” says a Santa Fe High student who wishes to remain anonymous. Mutual trust is important in any relationship, as is communication.

Even in healthy relationships there are arguments, but constant arguing and no communication is an issue, according to Asa Don Brown Ph.D. from Psychology Today. People need to talk it out in order to understand each other’s point of view. When couples are spending the majority of their time fighting and are unable to resolve these conflicts because of communication problems, they are likely in a toxic relationship.

There are different types of toxic partners. The controller tries to control what the other person does, such as who they hang around with or talk to. They try to control their partner by knowing where they are at all times and sometimes even keep them from going out without them.

The jealous type is another toxic partner. People all get jealous from time to time, but not overly so. “Once my partner got this idea in his head that I was cheating, so he insisted on checking my phone and I wouldn’t let him, so he ended up breaking it,” says the same student.

The manipulator is very tricky to identify. Manipulators use different indirect tactics to get what they want, such as using specific words to influence the other’s actions. They might say, “After all I’ve done for you” or “It would be dumb if you didn’t do this.” The abuse can be physical or emotional, for example making the other person feel unimportant by talking to them in a condescending manner, or being deceptive by causing a distraction or only telling half-truths, according to Darlene Lancer, writing in Psychology Today.

The perfectionist is a partner who may seem like he/she wants the best for the other but constantly tries to change the person to their liking, according to Suzanne Degges-White Ph.D. from Psychology Today. Most toxic people aren’t even aware of it because they are too self-absorbed and focused on their own needs, emotions, and goals.

According to Asa Don Brown, Ph.D., also writing in Psychology Today, toxic relationships do not always involve only one toxic person. Sometimes the toxicity is developed because there is not much in common between partners and the incompatibility makes the toxic environment.    

When someone is exposed to some types of toxic environments while growing up, such as physical abuse, domestic violence, mental illness, or being around someone who is abusing drugs, they might unintentionally look for relationships that are toxic because that is what is familiar, or comfortable, for that person, according to Kristen Fuller, M.D. from Psychology Today.

Why is it so hard to leave a toxic relationship? People who are insecure and maybe believe deep down that they aren’t good enough to be loved or treated right might stay attached. There could be self-doubt, making that person feel responsible for the other person’s actions and behaviors.

Fear of change is another factor. The person might be scared of leaving and not being able to form another relationship, or just be scared of change and not knowing what the next step is. These psychological reasons can be related to childhood problems or traumas. Other reasons can be religious beliefs, financial dependence, or concern over how a divorce will affect their kids.

When trying to get out of a toxic relationship, people should seek help from friends, family, professional counselors, and social help groups. Students in these situations should find an adult they trust and/or make an appointment at the Teen Health Center downstairs in Student Services.

Getting into a toxic relationship is sometimes unavoidable, but what is avoidable is staying in that toxic environment.